Diary entry: August 1, 2016 – A dream to remember
It happened in March 2016. I was researching history subjects that were supposed to bring me answers. I used to feel like I lacked identity and I wanted to get closer to my roots. As I grew up I always heard people complaining about my country and bashing this kind and beautiful land. My parents, my grandparents, my neighbors, my friends, everybody seemed to hold a grudge for the way we are living here. With all this outside influence, I began to feel the same. I saw myself as being inferior to other nationalities based on how things are being run in my country.
If something bad happens, you always hear your fellow man saying “You can only see this in Romania!” or “Only a Romanian is able to do such a bad feat!”. We are grown with these words in our heads and because of it, we begin to hate ourselves.
I have to admit, for a long period of time I used those phrases myself. I failed to understand the damage I was causing. This kind of attitude brings pain and sorrow with it because you feel cursed for being born here. Negative thinking and ungratefulness are poisoning my people’s mind. It’s like a child that spits on his own mother. If you don’t know your own parents, where do you go?
My entire life I felt like an outcast. I felt like I was walking on this Earth with no direction and guidance, so I began to search for my Truth. Research showed me that there were times when my people held their heads high and were proud to be called Romanians. We were not the best but we had the spine, the heart and the valor to withstand any hardship.
It was getting late and I was sleepy. I put myself in bed and closed my eyes. After all the study I did, an idea crossed my mind.
“Is Romania the promised land of Romanians?” I asked myself.
I smiled and I fell asleep. It was the first time when I thought about it like that. A little flicker of ideology was lit in my heart. I do not believe in borders but I believe that we should cherish the place we are born in.
That night I had a dream I will never forget. I was in a dark place where nothing happened. The only thing I did was to wander around aimlessly. Suddenly, I heard the howling of a wolf. I have no idea what got over me, but I unwillingly responded with a howl myself. It felt like two old friends were saluting. I couldn’t see anything but I felt safe. My ancestors had the wolf as a strong symbol of their culture and this gave me comfort.
A light began to shine in the distance. Peace fell over me. I stood still and basked in the glow. Love and acceptance engulfed me like never before. While looking into that light I had no flaw, nothing to hide, no hate against myself.
“For the first time in my life, I am Home…” I thought to myself.
The light then broke into tinier ones and shapes of men appeared out of it. There were many of them. The scenario looked like an entire army came to salute me. I was surrounded by a sea of spirits. As the lights were unfolding in front of my eyes, I knew they were my ancestors. I stood in front of them with no fear. The whole time I knew this is the “heaven” I’m supposed to go to. One day I will rejoin them.
One of the figures stepped out of the crowd and greeted me. At this point, everybody else disappeared. He made a bunch of jokes but I can’t remember what he said. He made me laugh. This figure was an old man with a thin face and a long beard. He was wearing a dressing gown. The hood of his outfit had symbols crocheted on its margin.
“Are you God?” I asked him in awe.
“No, he laughed. I’m not. Never call me that. God is greater than you and I. I am just a spark of His light.” he humbly responded.
“Then who are you? Do you have a name?” I was getting very intrigued at this point.
“You already know my name. I am you, or who you are supposed to become. I am here because I was assigned to be your teacher. The only thing you need to do is call me and I will be there. You and I, we can talk at all times.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You have a voice that is constantly speaking to you. It used to guide you when you were younger but nowadays it only tells you bad things about yourself. Make that voice your friend again and we will be able to talk. I am giving you this experience because you deserve to know who you are.”
“Why did I howl when you first came here?”
“Because we all belong somewhere…”
After he spoke these words the old man disappeared but I could still hear an echo of his voice in my head. I was alone in the dark again. This time something was creeping on me. It was stalking me and I couldn’t see what or where it was. It felt like it was hiding just behind me at all times. I froze in fear. I couldn’t move anymore. The voice of the man echoed again.
“Do you feel that presence?” he asked.
“I do, and I am afraid!” I replied.
“Everybody is gone. Nobody will save you. Nobody will ever save you. You have to act!” he encouraged me.
With his words in my mind, I built up courage out of nothing. Light began to shine from my skin. With this inner found glow I was able to see him. I could catch a glimpse of the beast in the shadows. Right there, in the darkness, it was me.
I woke up and pondered upon what happened for hours. My eyes were filled with tears. Something really touched a chord inside of me. A distant feeling of peace and wellbeing was still lingering. That dream made me understand that there are feelings I never experienced before. I never felt this good in my life. Honestly, I was never a spiritual guy nor did I have any religious affiliations but I thought about the possibility of the dream being a spiritual one. It felt mind-blowingly real.
Whether this is true or not, the experience I had was undeniable. That love I felt was so real and profound that I can swear I never felt anything like it in my life. It was happiness in its purest form. It may sound stupid to some people but it made me understand higher dimensions of life. This dream gave me a mission.
I now understand that such a feeling can be achieved, but how do I get there?
The dear diary of, Describe
The more we share, the more we have!
From time to time we find a cause that is worth fighting for. If that particular thing brings value to us and the world we believe in, then it’s a pity to let it die. Whatever sends a buzz up our spine, moves and determines us to act, it’s worth investing in. I found my cause and I need help to keep going…